Hello beautiful people

I am so sorry I have been so slack w/ this livejournal and along with that my weightloss. I haven't gained thank gosh, but I haven't lost and thats dissappointing and disgusting. Food will always control whether I am avoiding its presence and doing whatever I can not to let it near my body, or whether I am stuffing my fat face/body.

But as of today, that will change. I am going to really try my hardest, if I stuff up during the day that does not give me a right to get into the mindset of "I stuffed up so I should just eat what I want now it won't matter". I will be more active. And I WILL BREAK MY LOWEST WEIGHT BARRIER, by the time school starts (31st) Along with change I am also going to be updating more into this journal. Hopefully I will commit to all of these changes. My mind is going into boot camp.

Todays weight: 115.5 (52.5 kilos)

Ohh yea I am on myspace alot, if you have an ed profile please feel free to add me

www.myspace.com/disorted_fantasy

I am shit and i cannot put my mind to anything. I AM A FUCKING FAT LARD why can't i do anything right, why can't i do anything without people asking 101 questions about it acting like they care when really they are just forming a negative opinion about it.

Why can't I JUST FUCKING STRAVE AND FOOD IS NOT A BARRIER THAT IS KEEPING ME AWAY FROM WHAT I WANT AND FUCKING NEED SO BAD


I need an escape from me

Random Triva: 1 Honey Joy has 62.65 calories.

Anways today didn't go quite as planned and I could of saved myself a 130 calories if I would of ACTUALLY READ THE NUTRTION PACK before I ate half a packet of wafers. Yukler Wafers have 130 calories for 5 bit size pieces...argh.

Neways Calories for today

382.65 - 159 = 232.65

Plus Dinnner :(


Horrible and tomorrow won't be much better because My class and I are having a class party to celebrate the last week of term. Its going to be gorge fest I hope I don't eat to much.

I am scared of these numbers and I really want my scale to have batteries in them. Its killing me not knowing how much I weigh. :'(

I feel so useless and my dependance on food is annoying the shit out of me. So many temptations are out there to make me achieve something I despretly don't want and thats to be fat and ugly. But I cant blame the tempations the only person I can really blame is myself because I am the one that gives into these Tempations. Its like a smoker, you know the harms of what your doing yet that is not enough to help you stop doing them.

But in saying that I have found out some stuff about myself whilst I have been eating horribly:

1 - Actually looking at the calorie information, for example 2 biscuits I was about to stuff my already fat face with had 109 calories....luckly I saved myself from those and this expreience taught me to always look at the calorie information

Rule to Myself: Don't eat anything unless you know how many calories are in the item

2 - I work the best with a plan where I can eat super low calorie food frequently, though I want to teach myself how to go for longer periods of times woithout any food. 

Plan: Make a plan for the next week and each day make the time between consuming food longer and longer by 5-10 minutes

3 - Keep myself busy, for example I should really practise the Piano more if I want to do two exams next year. Also Piano playing and looking at magazines keeps me busy and keeps my eye on the prize

Goal: An hour on the piano everyday, though the times can be split up in intervals.

I am tired I am weak I am sad I am bleak

I am pathetic I am fat Show me bones not the fat

Starve all day, Strave all night, go to sleep, have a good night

Step on the scale the next morning, rubbing your bleary eyes

You cannot start the day without knowing what you weigh

Will the number be good, will it be bad, will you have lost, will you have gained

All these thoughts all this time you may as well not eat, it takes too much time, engery, gulit, everything

Food, Eating, is stupid.

I have come to relise that I really hate being full. More than every I cannot stand having food in my stomach and feeling full. I can stand having fruit (one piece) but not carbs or anything like that. Feeling full is a sign of faliure, and you wonder why indeed you ate that shit when you feel so shit after you ate it. 

How can something thats meant to be so good for the body (healthy food) leave you feeling so crap and fat. Obviously food is poision and I can see what food can do to a person, whilst the "healthier" people around me can't. Food is not great, it causes so much problems, or abuse of food.

I am sick of teh word food

I have come to relise more than ever how much I hate having food in my stomach. If I eat something that stops my stomach growling it ends up making my head go into werid debates as to why I ate that and thus sufferring the punishment of eating. I rather feel sick from not eating. Food is only a four letter word, food is overrated, we don't need to eat as much food as the human race as gotten used to. Sometimes I cannot believe how much people eat.

I decided to make a new live journal, because I like making new starts. My old livejournal was Ishinova. I need to make a fresh start and I need a place to vent all the awful thoughts in my head in a non judgmental enviroment. I have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder but I have a pretty fucked up attiudue towards food, life and myself.

About me: I am 15, and Australian (even though 911 is American, not Australian, 911 sounded better than 000). I am a female, I am a fat 53 kilos (116 pounds). My lowest weight is 51 kilos and I am detemined to get back there, and far below that weight. My goal weight at the moment is 38 kilograms.

Thats all I have to say at the moment